I've finally come out of the spiritual closest and am happy to share all of who I am with the world, for the benefit of all. I have spent a life at odds with myself, torn between the spiritual drive and the material reality of the world. I left the path of career, renounced the world to become a monk and yet was still thrown back into life. I've come a long way, full circle, to realising who I really am and actualising the unique expression of that in the world as best I can moment to moment. It's an ongoing, evolving story, but here's the story so far...
Fourth of eleven children, I always felt like an outsider to my life and never quite got "the game". With devout Catholic parents, the spiritual imprinting began at an early age. Something deep within, or even beyond, the Christian teachings spoke to me. I read about the lives of Saints and their stories resonated deeply. I studied marketing at college, not really sure why I even chose the subject. It was just after college, in 1993, that my spiritual search began. What started as a trickle, reading books here and there, soon developed into a torrent and perhaps what one could probably call an obsession with the truth. Enlightenment became the only possible answer to the question that stalked me, what's it all about?

A round-the-world trip in 1998 heightened my resolve to prioritise the truth above all else, even above family and career. I entered deeply absorbed states while visiting India and somehow got the idea that I would return to India someday to live in an ashram and meditate. At that time I didn't know what either of these terms was! I started a daily yoga and meditation practice in 1999. In my first ever yoga retreat, I was given Shaktipath by a visiting Indian master. During the process, I had a profound vision where the Indian master transformed into 4 or 5 different beings, one after the other, they were all smiling old men: one an Indian yogi and one that looked more Japanese or Chinese. On my next retreat with a Buddhist Rimpoche, I spontaneously experienced what I later learned were the Kriyas of Babaji. Needless to say, these experiences heightened my resolve for Truth and reinforced the idea that I was on the right track.
What followed were my darkest years. An older Swami resident of the ashram said to me "your dark years have come early". And so they had. But deep in the dark of those years, the resolve for truth never wavered, at times it was the only thread there was. I called it my Ariadne's Thread.

It was also during this time that I gave birth to my precious son Kobe in 2009, and it turned out that, very surprisingly, motherhood was second nature to me. Circumstances lead me to become a single mother from very early on when Kobe was only 7 months old. It was in those early years of Kobe's life, where the combination of sleep deprivation, PTSD, and over a dozen acrimonious court proceedings that most of what created the identity of "Louise" was chiselled away. It took such a combination of adversity to chip away at the shell of identity and the hold the world seemingly had on me.
In 2011 I began exploring energy work and soon realised I was in fact very energetically aware. In hindsight, I realised I was really just looking for the power I had projected into the world around me. A lot of this projection was directed to female spiritual teachers who were perceived to be powerful. Luckily I saw through these projections; it took moving to Ecuador in 2012 to realise just how much I had projected out beyond myself.

In 2014 I finally kicked the habit of projecting authority to spiritual teachers and so began a process of slowly returning to being. I unsubscribed from all energy readings and forecast emails, all horoscopes, all that I had been following in the previous years that probably had started with the talk of the 2012 shift.

I decided that I would rest within. I moved to the West of Ireland and even stopped offering the energy sessions that I had begun years earlier. I even let meditation go as a doing, as it was becoming more and more apparent that it was how I lived each and every day - not a separate practice. I began to deeply contemplate the nature of reality. Around this time the writings of John O'Donohoe spoke deeply to me. Very gradually something started to change. A peace began to grow. The restlessness that had been a constant companion my entire life began softly to subside.

In December 2015 it was as though a voice spoke to me that said "Rest in the Abiding" and it came with the image of the bottom of the ocean. The message was clear, to rest at the bottom of the ocean of Reality rather than upon the surface of the waves.

From that time on I began to disengage with everything that created a future, even giving up any offers of work, as I could see (at the time) that my work was based on the fear of not having any money. I was going to play chicken with my mind!

On 19th January 2016 I purchased the book "Liberation Is" by Salvador Poe and in it learned a technique called 'having a holiday" - which is just resting as Awareness. That day I also came across a book called "Living Non-Duality" by Robert Wolf. This book dismantled many of the myths of enlightenment. I could literally feel layers falling away as I read the book, they were beliefs and conditionings falling away. Then the following day, the evening of 20th January 2016, twelve years almost to the day after my initiation as a Swami, while reading the same book I came across the phrase by Jiddhu Krishnamurti "the Observer is the Observed", and I stopped and looked up from my computer to contemplate it. All at once I realised "there is no me!!!!" In that instant, "I" woke up and realised the Reality that was always, already here!! A visceral feeling of a veil falling all around me was felt, the dropping away of something. Then an unscrewing was felt at the back of my head at the point the yogis call Bindu. Simultaneously a sensation was felt moving up my spine, like light, and bright lights, floodlights, were felt at the back of the head like the brain was lit up with incredibly bright light. (The feeling of bright light in the head remained for months afterwards.) The following night a powerful surge of energy moved through the body, so powerful in fact that I thought it would kill me. All I remember saying was "na ham karta, hari karta" which translates as "I am not the doer, God is the doer". The following days more and more dissolved, in fact, any idea I looked at dissolved. So much dissolved, it was like the scene from Inception with all the worlds collapsing. The relief I felt on waking up was as if I put down a rucksack of rocks that I had been inadvertently carrying my entire life. The joy of realising the truth was experienced as a honeymoon after a life of hard labour.

It was only after waking up that I discovered Adyashanti, whom I now consider my root teacher. I find him to be the clearest teacher I have ever come across.

Far from being the end, Awakening was really just the beginning, an eternal beginning. What a surprise that was! Awakening marked the end of living as a singular identity (a person). There is much detoxing of the body/mind to ensure the authentic living of the realisation moment to moment - truly a lifelong commitment. Seeing through sub-identities as they arise was a big part of the post-awakening sadhana. Realising that it is Consciousness itself and Reality itself that wakes up was another deepening - thus nothing can be taken personally. And so the realisation constantly deepens as aspects of realisation are experienced directly: from the depth of the void to the dance of ignited living. I offer this body/mind in service to the Dharma, the Truth - whatever that may look like - the form of this continuously evolves. I experienced a lot on my spiritual path and can relate to so many of the pitfalls and struggles of the spiritual seeker. I do my best to speak as practically as possible, to share the tricks I've learned for realising and welcoming what is in each and every moment. I'm not special or "finished", I'm a work in progress. I'm committed to the living Truth in all I do. I'm constantly updating this body/mind system and its ability to share the Dharma, or I could more accurately say that life is constantly updating this body/mind system to best serve itSelf. I still sit in Satsang with teachers I'm drawn to, to deepen my realisation, burn off any lingering conditioning and learn from them and how they language particular aspects. It's a little like continuing professional development (CPD)! I keep the 'beginner's mind' attitude so that I remain open to the freshly arising Truth and its guidance.

I humbly offer my companionship to serve your journey of realisation and the embodiment and expression of your gifts. I invite you not to lean on me as if I have something you haven't, but to see with me what's already here and patiently waiting to be realised.